我感受著， 深重的罪惡感。
因我在這裡，在吃，在喝，有溫暖的床，有美酒，有親朋，而我親愛的祖國，正在飽受無邊的磨難..
我恨我不能，抛低這一切，去那裏幫助我親愛的鄉親，我在説服mom, Rob, to allow 我明日前行，mom 知道，自小時，我就是這樣的任性，會為理想犧牲，即使是生命。
而今，我多災多難的祖國，在那裏，掙扎，輾轉，我在繁華都市，墮落與作樂...沒有人，同我同痛，同我淚灑，同我揪心於幾千里外的離合悲歡...
我的祖國，我是那麽的愛著你，即使遙遠，但心，從來沒有離開過...因爲我永遠的記住：
我是中國人！！！
http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=romance&MsgID=403276
從病房望出去，是馬場。
有人在清理草地，新鮮的氣息，似乎一直可以傳進屋裏。
我坐在這裡，四周很靜，很累，身心俱疲。
5月14日的下午，媽媽正在養和做著一項小手術，我一個人，被包裹在無邊的空寂裏...
空寂，給思想予空間，然後思索...
我縂在思索著，人生的真正意義，也縂在摸詢，一種正確的人生態度，也許這種怪異的思想，緣自自幼深厚的文化熏陶及家庭悠遠的足跡。
我的外公，齊偉成先生，修讀於日本東京帝國大學，學畢後在上海創辦了《世界周報〉；我的曾祖母，趙乃映女士，創辦了浙江會興女子學院，她亦是著名的書法家，畫家，精通劍術並工于女紅。外婆，瓜爾加氏的後裔，溥儀的家族。而我的母親齊林，畢業於俄儸斯聖彼得堡大學，博書萬卷，周遊列國，我七嵗時，她爲了追求自由而離開了我的生父，從此人生坎坷，但精彩奔放。
對藝術，繪畫，文學，歷史，人文，他們都擁有極高的學識，我雖相差甚遠，但無形中耳濡目染，這種豐厚的家庭環境，竟造就出我成爲這樣一個洋不洋，中不中的另類。
我是從不滿足的，不是金錢上的追逐，而是精神的渴求
我亦是不安分的，也是不易妥協的。
大部分時間，我是快樂的，但又是孤獨的，有時被一種悲天憫人的情緒所感動自己，有時又會努力的追尋生命中哪怕是微小的一點人性的光輝。
就是這些點點滴滴的對於生命的積累與敏感，使我至今仍放棄不了對於中文的寫作，在人生每一種艱辛時日，每一個茫然的午夜，在別人憧憬一些實在時，我在那裏，思忖著古老中國文字的運用，及對蟲鳴花落的感懷。
也許，這對許多人而言，是多餘並微不足道的，但於我，那卻是使生命充滿異彩，而餘韻無窮。
就像此時，夜已在我的鍵盤的滴滴答答聲中，來臨，媽媽就睡在旁邊，又一個晚春初夏的午後，走遠了，而我，又應走向何處呢？
我望著他的眼
睛
那不是一雙快樂的目光...感覺，在那個又是迷亂的夜晚，點點滴滴刺痛著我的心...單薄的褲管裏，我想像著那同樣是
單薄的身軀。
但僅僅是身軀，精神，無比的強大。
他強大的，可以化腐朽予神奇
他強大的，可以創造音樂的奇跡
他強大的，将激情在内心燃燒，為旋律。
記得你說，你年紀大了，你還告訴我，你沒有什麽錢。
但我想說，你有旋律，是你最美麗的東西。
就是在這個夜晚，同每一個一樣的夜晚，我常常懷著一種悲觀的情緒，去把我自己身陷於對美妙音樂的癡迷裏，所謂悲觀，因爲我無法肯定明天，明天是否仍擁有音樂，或是明天我是否在音樂中死去。我蒼涼的計劃著我的葬禮，會訂上100箱我拜訪過的Wine domaine in Provence的紅酒，空氣中彌漫著清脆的乾草味道，之後，我躺在那裏，閉上眼睛，靜靜的聽著全部我生命裏所愛的音樂。
也就是在這個夜晚，我看到了你的眼睛，及眼睛裏的悲傷，我還看到了火，我不知那是被靈性所激活的火，還是生命終不肯放棄的，但那分明是火。
不肯放棄，我從沒放棄，我知道你也沒有，儘管我們是那麽的遙遠，我在網上，找不到再多的關於你的敍述，但我分明看到了那一抹執著。也許，這是風格，是唯一可以讓我動容，又與我深深連接在一起的：
風格！
我不知道在香港，還有多少人，在這裡不去賺錢，而來靜靜的欣賞純音樂，我不知還有多少人，會控制不住的隨音樂搖擺。人們會在乎100元包一杯飲料的入場費，會在乎那多出的40元錢，付給我們無價的音樂家。
那天賴之音，來自他們！
那撫平傷口的觸摸，來自他們！
那無論是和諧還是撞擊，來自他們！
那無疆界的梵音，來自他們！
我就想，爲何你不走？去探訪亞馬遜河谷的湍流，去呼吸西西里島的日落，帶著屬於你的7個旋律，還有記憶，一瓶86年的Bordeaux的紅酒，無數佳作由你手指滑落，融在溫濕的初夏的夜氣裏...
於是此刻，我閉上眼睛，開始想著旋律，那世界上屬於你的最美麗的東西...
I looked at his eyes and I saw sadness there.
...
They were not a pair of happy eyes, the feeling, on that foggy night, deeply pierced my heart…
...
I looked at those pants, the material was very thin, I imagined that inside would be the same thin:
Body…
But that was only his body…his spirit, is so strong…
...
He is strong, making miracles happen
He is strong, creating music
He is strong, writing the melody, with passion from his heart…
……
You told me, that you are getting old…you also told me that you don’t have much money…
...
But I want to tell you, that you have a melody and that is the most beautiful thing you have…
...
Then tonight…as with all other similar nights here in Fresco, I am here with a feeling of pessimism and wanting to sink myself into such great music…why pessimistic, because I am not sure that I will be able to listen to them tomorrow, or I might die wallowing in such a lovely melody…
...
Feeling the melancholy deep within, I am planning my funeral, I will order 100 cases of wine from the winery I visited in Provence…the smell of fresh and dry grass flowing through the garden… I will lie there and close my eyes…it will be a very quiet night and I will enjoy all the music I’ve loved in my life, with no disturbances….
...
And on that same night, I saw your eyes, and the sadness in your eyes…
I also saw the fire. I am not sure if fire was for inspiration, or the fire means never give up, but there was definitely there…
Never give up!
...
I’ve never given up and I know that you haven’t. Even if there is a 1000 miles distance between you and me, even if I can’t find enough information about you from the web, I can feel the willful force from that!
...
Perhaps, I’ll call it “STYLE”, and that will be the only thing can touch me and connect me with you:
Our Styles!
...
My friend, I don’t really know how many people in Hong Kong will stop making money and come here purely for music. I really don’t know how many people will move their bodies with the beat of the music…
People will care about a HK$ 100 cover charge that comes with one standard drink…People care about that extra HK$40, for our priceless musicians…
...
But, the sound of heaven, is from them!
The soothing melody to comfort your pain, is from them!
The contrast and the compromise, is from them!
The boundless music, is from them!!!
...
So I was there thinking…why you don’t leave? Why don’t you visit the fast flows of the Amazon Valley? Why don’t you breath the sunset of the island of Sicily?
...
Why don’t you leave, carrying your 7 music notes, your memories, a bottle of 86’ Bordeaux…then many amazing works will fall from your fingers, they will melt into the humid night air of this summer…
...
At this moment, I am closing my eyes, and starting to think about the melody, the most beautiful things that you have in this world!
many things are happening now
many things are finishing now
I'm in such a confusion, but starting to think seriously...
these few days, Rob is not here. Married to him for a few years, it is the first time I can feel, that he really shared a lot with me. Perhaps, that is the definition of "life partner". Mom will have an small operation, very small one, but I feel the pressure.
Musician Dean complained that why I always write something sad, so I promised him that I am going to write something happy.
But life, is full of sadness...
I've been back to Hong Kong for almost 4 years...
Have done almost 50 interior design projects...and have 2 bars...Many people, even the strangers they have heard of me "are you that JOYCE?"
Which JOYCE?!
I use my special talents to do design, but I have no time to participate in any design compititions.
I use my unique taste to choose movies, but most of them, I have no time to enjoy...
I've met so many brilliant musicians, whether they are successful or struggling now, I really respect their professional skills. I can watch them and listen to them, then forget my exisitence. I believe that I have some connections with music, but I have no time to understand them more...
I want to learn Film making, to learn photography, but I have no time.
I love my mom so much, and my friends, but I have no time to be with them more...
I love traveling, I've only been to 40 countries, so how about the other 80 countries?
I'm getting a bit fat...a couple of wrinkles appeared on my face...but I have no time to go to the GYM or solve such problems that years bring to me...
Yes, I don't have time, But I've never complained really...Last Sat., I was there doing my design drawing, while Dan, Mike & Mia performed...I drew, then stopped for a while to enjoy their gig...I felt that I was in heaven...Doing the things I like, and listening to the best music in the world, I really feel that I have nothing to complain about...
My days, in the last 3 years, have been on Peel Street. In my 650 sqft "joyce Is Not Here", then expanded to the opposite side of the street, "fresco". In between there is Peel Street, up to Caine Rd. and down to Queens Rd. Central.
My days, were in the happiness and sadness of my favorite customers, and friends...They married, they divorced..they had babies, or boyfriends...they broke up..they were sick sometimes...they went on vacation...They came by themselves, or with lovers, ex-lovers...on their first date...or they came with a whole group...They came to get drunk or they came to celebrate their birthdays..they came to read poems, jam, or watch movies...
While I am writing, I have tears falling down my face...so many nice & warm nights, I am here, with you...and sharing with you...
My days, were like this...and I have never complained...
But, life is full of sadness...
許多的事情也在發生
許多的事情也正在完結
我處於一種煩亂中，開始認真的思索。
這幾天，rob不在身邊。結婚幾年，第一次體會原來他真的分擔了很多，也許，這就是伴侶的意義吧。媽媽將快做手術，小小一莊，但我已感到壓力。
音樂家dean投訴我爲何總是寫傷感的話題，我答應他下周一寫份開心的。
但人生，原來是充滿了感傷。
囘港快四年了。
完成了有快50個室内設計的projects了吧。還有兩閒酒吧。很多同行，即陌生人知道我。會說“這就是那個joyce?!"
這就是哪個joyce?
我在靠我的絕佳天分，去做設計，但我沒有時間去參加任何比賽。
我在靠我的小小特別的品位，去挑選電影，但大多數我的珍藏，我卻沒有欣賞過。
我遇到了那麽多美好的優秀的音樂家，無論他們是成功的，還是暫時掙扎的，但我無比尊重他們的專長，我可以望著他們，聼著他們，而忘記的自己的存在，我想，我同音樂是相通的，但是我沒有時間去體會他們。
我想去學導演，去學攝影，我沒有時間。
我那麽愛我的媽媽，我的朋友，但我沒有時間伴隨他們。
我愛旅遊，我才走過40個國家，另外的80個呢？我沒有時間。
我胖了一些，臉上多了兩條皺紋，我沒有時間去健身，去理會這些歲月的痕跡。
我沒有時間。但我沒有抱怨，我從來也沒有真的去抱怨什麽。上星期六，Dan, Mike & Mia 在那兒唱歌，我在那兒畫我室内設計的圖，畫一會，望望他們，再聼一會，那一刻，我覺得自己在天堂。做著自己喜歡的事，聼著世界上最動聽的歌，我真的什麽也不抱怨。
我的日子，在過去的3年來，在卑利街，在我650尺的"joyce is not here"裏，之後擴展到對面，再大一些的“fresco". 中間有一條卑利街，向上通到堅道，下可到皇后大道中。
我的日子，在我愛的人們的喜怒哀樂中，我的客人結婚，離婚，有小孩子，有男朋友，再分手，生病，去度假...一個人來，同情人來，再同舊情人來，第一次約會，或同一大幫人來...來借酒消愁，來慶祝生日，來讀詩，來看電影...我寫著寫著，在流眼淚，那麽多感人的夜晚，我都在這裡，同你們分享。
我的日子，就是這麽流逝著。
我沒有任何的抱怨，儘管人生是充滿了感傷。
I don't often write nowadays, but my heart is still full of emotions, as always. Many tiny things seem to hinder my desire to write, but my heart, it never stops feeling...
A SURGE OF EMOTION...
We went to see Dayo Wong's comedy show last night, it was unbelievable, just amazing. We laughed for 3 hours and felt surprised by the easy, friendly atmosphere. During the taxi ride back, I was still feeling touched by a show that combined philisophic, humanistic, and hi-tech entertainment. < More trouble, More happiness! > Dayo Wong, filled me with happiness and touched me at the same time...
A few hours later, heading home and in the taxi again, the driver suddenly put on the old song <Under the Lion Rock> by Roman. It was such familiar melody and I was touched by the lyrics: "In our lives, we all have happiness and sadness, but how lucky we are to have met each other under this Lion Rock...". I was still singing even while I took shower, that's why I am writing the article about feeling <touched>.
A few days ago, my mom gave me some information about a new movie by Feng Xiao-Gang called <Assembly>, 47 lives wasted to write a several years long song of war. The movie was full of unhappy greyness and depressed ashes. The director concentrated on the real audio effects to match the war background, he tried to create a realistic war movie not only including the courageous parts, but also the human side of war. I was touched, by those 15 pages of prints, and I felt great sincerity from him.
And, more friends are leaving...I'm not sure if it's for forever, or not. But what defines "forever", as Dayo Wong said "How long is FOREVER? If you add one year or deduct a year, is that still FOREVER???"
However, they are really leaving. My heart, it doesn't really feel sad...but it was touched ...it was touched by those no-good-byes partings, and those imposible see-you-again's...my friends, you know where I am and I wish you a good trip...a trip for vacation or a trip for life...
Then, another year...is gone again...
"joyce is not here" a cozy place like home is going into its final two years and the new gathering spot "peel fresco music lounge" feels so far from all those neon lights.
My design career is passing into another brilliant year. But the sad thing is, all those new born projects, have passed.
Before I could enter my site everyday, the dusty site, with its kind workers, but now they are all gone. Now I need to press the door bell to enter and all the workers are gone. There is no dust, no noise. Such a perfect project has been added to my profolio, but it just means another ending---
Goodbye to my clients, goodbye to my workers, goodbye to my sites, goodbye my always dusty view, goodbye to all the bothersome noise. Longing, the feeling of longing, building up and being reborn. But I love the memories, I miss all of those memories and I was so deeply touched, by all of those daily occurences...
Love, its another sad thing. My lover, who knows nothing about Chinese Culture, in fact seems to laugh at my rich cultural background. I am looking at that very kind but uncommunicable face. I only blame myself, that's why I love to being alone sometimes...to keep some space so I need not to explain to him. I am here, in this empty house, to sing, to dance...
There is a emotion, called "touched"...I have been, always am touched. Such a warm emotion, filling my heart, pushing me and pulling me. Not only bringing me to tears, but also letting me smile and shout. The year 2008, is coming to me in such a mess of disorganized thoughts, and it carries me into another unknown moment...
written on Dec.19, 2007, 4am.
疏於持筆，情卻始然，雖為瑣事久滯的思緒揮灑，但心，一直在那裏澎湃。
澎湃。
今晚觀賞了黃子華的棟篤笑，精彩的不敢相信。大笑三個小時，我驚訝於全場的互動。回來的TAXI裏，我感動著，感動香港竟然還擁有如此縝密的思緒，貫通哲理，人文，高科技，與娛樂的一場準備，《越大鑊，越快樂〉，黃子華，快樂著我，亦感動著我。
歸家時，又是TAXI, 狇的放起了羅文的老歌《獅子山下〉，“人生中有歡喜, 難免亦常有淚,我們大家，在獅子
前幾天，媽媽給了我馮小剛導演新片的介紹，《 集結號〉，47個壯烈的生命，一首幾十年的悲歌，灰蒙蒙的調子，導演用心去講如何去創造逼真的音響，如何配合完美的背景，如何去拍一套觸動人心的真正的戰爭片，我心感動，沉浸於那幾十頁灰灰沉沉的圖畫中，感受著，一份厚實的誠意。
又有一些好朋友，要走了。不知是不是永遠，如黃子華講“永遠有多遠？永遠減一年，或加一年，還是永遠么？“
但他們是真的走了。我的心，麻木著，但亦感動著。感動著那些不經意的離別，和那些也許永遠實現不了的相見。
又一年，流逝了。“JOYCE IS NOT HERE", 如家一般的情懷，進入倒數的兩年，新的聚焦點“FRESCO"，在紅塵中仿佛離我那般遙遠。
設計的事業，輝煌中又是一年，傷感的只是，那些作品的誕生，便是離別。從前可以每天去看看的骯髒地盤，熟絡的師傅，早已遠去。如今，進大門需要按門鈡。師傅們不見了，沒有塵土，沒有噪音，漂漂亮亮的一個作品，加在我的作品集裏，卻又是一次離別，告別我的客人，我的師傅，我的工地，我的塵土飛揚的視野，我的喧擾嘈雜的聲浪，寂寞，滿滿的堆積著，是下一次的萌發，但，我念舊。而且，我會被過程感動。
情感，亦是一種遺憾. 枕邊人，對中國文化的茫然無知，似在嘲笑我豐盛的文化底蘊。望住那邊無法溝通的善良面孔，有的，是深深的自責。不小心，便造就的如此的陰錯陽差，不知是傷感抑或是感動，我常常會獨處，保留那片別人不可理解的空地，而我在此，歌唱與舞蹈。
有一種情感，叫做感動。我便，時常被感動。一種情懷，暖暖的縂於心間，推攘我，湧動我，帶出的不僅是淚，亦笑，亦高聲叫，2008年，在這些紛亂無章的念頭中走近，引來我人生，又一個未知的華年......
2007年12月19日淩晨4時
記憶裏許多往事，都執著的不想記起，極致的多情便是無情，卻在中秋月圓之夜，收到第一個男友的越洋短信：
“還記得23年前今夜的初吻麽？”
我的心，在那一刻停頓了。
我記得。
多少次的不想再見到他，多少次不去觸及任何有關昨日的回憶，卻因短短的幾個字，把我打垮， 擊碎，物是人非，他於溫哥華的晴朗一日，我這裡是卑利街月圓時鄰里的幾段粵曲正在高歌。數月來的辛苦疲累，一整日的會議與煩惱，在這個似乎已經麻木的夜晚，因這幾個23年前的零星故事，帶給我一絲喘息：
我愛過的人們，別來無恙…
是的，我記得那些吻，我記得我經歷的每一個人，我記得那些溫柔的撫摸，我記得交織成我生命的每一段戀曲。儘管我有時任性有時冷酷有時荒唐有時麻木，儘管我懶散的不去想與不去聯絡任何一個經歷的人，但我會記得。
我，並不是你所想象的如此健忘記，我沉默，不是我無感覺，我不去想，不是我會忘記。
但我是變得越來越麻木了，愛，在我的心裏，變得很少很少。我甚至不想去感受與被感染，我把自己變成個麻木的運轉的輪，去盡一切我要盡的責任，然後，不知何時，我就會消失，但功德圓滿的一日。
愛，很遙遠。23年， 很久很久了，上一次心動，距今已是整年，我孤獨的行走，在衆人的簇擁中，在人們的呵護裏，但是，感覺到心， 已經由雙腳，雙腿，滿滿的向上方無知覺，我卻在那裏？
健波，感謝你，23年後的問候，月月年年的殷情，厚重的如海浪，把我一絲一毫的擊倒，但那個怯懦的小女孩早已走遠，等待她的，或是綿綿長長的思憶，和著點點滴滴的愛的思語。
美好的情緒，我想念你，及每一個你們。
Spent a very meaningful night with mom. We went to enjoy the choral concert <the long march suite> by Beijing Military Art Troupe.
Haven't been touched like this in a long long time...
We had the National Class One Standing conductor leading the entire concert;
We had the internationally renown pianist Mr. Liu Shi Kun preform his Piano Solo, <The Yellow River Piano Concerto>;
We Had Mr. Warren Mok, who is also a world-renowned tenor do his Solo;
We had more than 200 performers;
We had 2 hours of singing all those familiar songs that influenced me since I was a child;
We had the Mass Choir of the entire hall, more than a thousands people, sing < Pearl of the Orient>...
Many people cried, tears out of control because of such old memories and the songs that recall our old days;
All of us held our breathe because of this performance...lighting effects, stage layout, performance attitudes, beautiful voices, passionate conducting, all shocked us...
Even though I can't play anything, I could feel my heart beating to each note;
Even though I was in the back role and couldn't see very well, I felt that I was almost on the stage singing with them;
Even though I am Canadian, but I so much miss my motherland, China, the place where I was raised and the place that brought me many many pure loves of this world...
I stood there, sang and shouted with 1000s of people:
"me and my motherland
Can never be apart
wherever I go
there is a song in my heart
I sing of every mountain
I sing of every river
the winding chimney smoke, the small villages
the track on the road
Me and my motherland
Are like a wave and the sea
the wave is the child of the sea
the sea is the home of the wave
My dearest motherland
you are the sea that would never run dry
Forever you would sing me the limpid songs of your waters and waves"
"Marijuana, la felicidad"The swimmer floats, his arms meet the ocean. I look out, they meet the water, over and over, continually changing from air to water. The sun, the blue, the great beyond- and those arms; they are here, they are ours.
I'm looking at us in the near future, sand and surf.
Ruins. ( )-polis of all kinds. Lonely landscapes that once were not. "All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." Thus spoke Poe, and thus I speak for him, as the repetition for him has ended.
B and I will be in Greece from tomorrow. We'll have limited e-mail access, but will be sure to send messages over the course of that time (rest assured that you'll all be receiving a few patched together cocktail napkins worth of thoughts and encounters, by and by).
In the meantime, feel free to cobble together your own thoughts and requests (what would a request look like, anyway? A mind's eye snapshot that is tailored just for you? A request to set one stone on top of another, on a parched hilltop? A piece of glass, scavenged from the edge of some forgotten ruin (Acropolis="High City" in Greek, I've just learned).
and the Aegean. How has it stayed this way forever...
My love for writing started when I was 7-year-old.
At first I used Chinese, the most beautiful language in the world. But when I jumped out into the bigger world, I needed to write in English.
Sometimes I feel stressed because I can’t express myself as nicely as when I use Chinese. All the sparkling and brilliant ideas in my presentations can’t be expressed to people very well if I use English.
But, I am trying.
The language might not be the same but the spirit is easily shared with my friends…the great thoughts and wisdom of a soul can be released through other tools like one's eyes, hands or body language.
Whether in Chinese or in English, I love writing. And I love the atmosphere when I write. I believe that many friends understand this feeling:
To sit in the silence and peace, with dim night lighting or bright sunshine, having a glass of whatever (wine and tea are my favorites). Let your beautiful mind swim in the universe, touch all the dreams and follow the path of life. Let’s not only express ourselves, let’s complete ourselves as well.
From the process of writing, we can discover more about the world and ourselves. We grow up from it or we are destroyed by it---destroying the old self and build up a new image.
Sometimes I feel writing is like an old friend, but one that you definitely don’t need to look after all the time and one that won’t forget you. He is always in your heart and you can talk to him even if you are very busy. And he is like a locker that you can save all your new thoughts and emotions in and open up when you would like to meet them again.
He won’t betray you and he won’t leave you. You might feel that it’s a bit difficult to talk to him if you don’t use him for a while, but just take a few minutes and he will be like your old friend,and with all that typing all those words will come out again…From the fresh night air and lovely jasmine smell of the tea cup…That friend just stands there and waits for your embrace. Only through his body can we express our hearts.
Love writing, and love all the people who are in the writing industry. Even if we are sinking in a fancy world of parties all the time, we can still find time to be alone and find this clean land where we can write about everything… We are calmly dancing on the ground. All the rhythms are not only from our steps, but also from our active brain. We can be the most sensitive person and we can be strong too, because we have a silent old friend that we carry with us all the time.
Love writing, a gift from God!
It’s 2:03 am and I’m writing alone as usual.
Another friend is leaving in a few hours, I’m always getting emails about discount tickets, people moving around because of all these good offers, but friend, have you ever known the pain in my heart caused from your leaving?
This bar is like a little serai. But I am not only here to serve you a bottle of beer, sometimes I am also giving you my heart! I don’t just talk to you when you are here, sometimes I also think of you during long nights. I drink, not only to enjoy that bitter taste I also want to forget what I don’t want remember!
Friends, if you are my friends, please don’t tell me that “I will be back” bullshit, TELL ME THE TRUTH, because I am going to trust what I hear and I am going to wait!
If you are my friend, please come back to visit me or at least write me because I do remember all of the faces of the people that I’ve met in this little place and it is not that easy for me to replace your faces in my memory!
If you are my friend, please treat yourself good! I can’t look after you when you are so far away so you need to be a good boy or a good girl!
Yes these two years many people have told me “I will be back”, but they haven’t. I don’t know whether they were just trying to be polite or not, but for certain people, I am waiting…
Yes, I am waiting!
Believe me I know the pains of this life and I am doing my best to overcome these, and I know you are lost sometimes and can’t find your direction, but don’t tell me a lie if you can’t come back. Because I will be like a little innocent girl dreaming here and trying to remember all those moments we were together…
If you are my friend, you should know that love is never enough and tears are never wasted. So I have never stopped myself from crying. Just like this moment, I am crying in my little bar because a friend is leaving. Maybe he has never known this as a visitor, but for me;
He is my friend, Keith McMullen...
The following words I am writing for my friend Ellick, who just passed away in the hospital 2 hours ago...
Waited for long time, a year perhaps? I wasted the whole of May, and then I met you.
I held your hand, I kissed you. And after, I was left looking for 1000 excuses to keep me away from that hospital.
I don't want to remember what I saw, I just want to forget, forget our meeting and everything else. But I can't forget what you promised me, you will go to see the ocean with me, you will go to my home with me, as my home is ocean. You lay on the bed in room 528, you smiled to me and even teased me.
The ocean is big enough, Ellick!
She will love you truly, just like I love you.
She will sew a curtain to keep you away from the storm
She will carve down your thoughts on her waves
She will let you float on a sail
And set you free in the sky, where you can reach the clouds, see the land, and me.
I am still on this land, I can't visit you now because I still have islands. But one day, waves will come down and the whole world will sink, then I will raise my hands, I am here Ellick, so please answer me wherever you are.. and you will reach me because you promised me that you will come home with me!!!
I will remember you, but only your handsome face
I will remember you, but only your strong body
Not the things I saw in the hospital, that just was not you!
I will be happy, just like I tried to since the last time I visited you. I didn't cry until this minute, Ellick! I don't want to see you leaving, you didn't inform me so the timing was not right. I am waiting for you to tell me next time. Even if you will only appear at night, I will always wait for you, to count the sunset's steps.
As you promised me, go to the ocean with me. Years in heaven for you, are just like a day here for me.
http://mr6.plumeflowers.com/update_news_200706.html
等了很久，一年，之後，5月，夏季乍到，我便揮霍掉了...
我握住你的手，吻你，之後，我走了，沒有回頭，並為自己找了藉口，不再回頭...
我不想記住我唯一可以記住的你的痛苦的抽搐。我想忘記，就像忘記我們的相遇，但我記起，記起你同我去看海，隨我囘我的家。我笑著督你：“快點好番，同你去看海！”你躺在病床上，氣促的調笑我。
海很大， 蒼茫， Ellick，她也會愛你，如我般愛你，她會為你織夏天的薄沙，搭冬夜的棚帳，她會為你刻思緒的碑文，撫昂首的帆，她會托起你，浮游在雲與海面的空間，你可看到陸地，可看到我，我尚在陸地，沙的邊緣，我不能此時去看你，因爲我還有島嶼，有一天，潮落又漲，一切被浸沒，我高舉起手臂，Ellick, 我在這裡，答應我，你會迅速的回應我，印度洋，好望角，或是珊瑚下，雲天外，你會拉住我，因爲你答應過我，隨我回家！！！
我會記住你，我記住你英偉的樣子 記住你卓越的身姿，我不要記起醫院裏我見到的，正如我不讓你看到我哭的樣子。我很快樂，那次一別，我努力快樂著。我也不要看到你的離去，你都沒有通知我，這次不算，我等著下次，在海的故鄉，即使你祉現於夜晚的海面，我也要守護到天明，陪你賞朝露，數落紅 。
你答應過我，去看海，囘我的故鄉，等著我，天堂的日子，月月年年，我在人間，只一瞬間...
I believe that all of you must experience a period in which you do not want to do anything...you feel hopeless about your life and you don't have any motivation to keep things going...Sometimes its called "depression".
I had my period of depression for about 4 or 5 days and then this afternoon I decided to pull myself out of that situation. It wasn't because I had nothing to do, it was just because I had and I will have too many things to do...and each thing I do, I want to be perfect, so I have been so depressed since last weekend...
I don't really want to describe how I spent those days but I have gotten better now since I read an article about volunteers working in India. A few famous actresses from Hong Kong went to India and stayed in a first-aid shelter to help cancer patients before they die...They accompanied them during the last days of their poor life...
All the bullshit we complain about here compared to their problems, those people who are suffering everyday...We are upset because we might've broken up with our lovers...or we might've made a few dollars less. Look at those people, they are fighting for their lives even though they don't know whether or not they will live to see another day. We are here, in Hong Kong, the stock and real estate markets are starting to going crazy and helping us make a lot of money and we don't have to worry about our next meal, we have plenty of clothes to choose from and we just have to worry about whether they are pretty or not...we have so many cosmetic brands to choose from and only need to think about whether or not it's a famous brand...
I read that article and I felt ashamed of myself...Life is so easy and happy in Hong Kong but I am depressed just because of a lot of work...
I paste this photo here to remind me, there is another side of the world to reflect on and show us how lucky we are...God is supposed to be fair but he has given us a lot. To allow me to stand here and write in my blog and drink good wine, chatting with a house full of good friends...
If one day, god will take all of those things away from me, then I will become a member of one of those volunteer groups, living for other people's lives, being happy with other's gain and suffering with them...
Hope, it depends on how much you value your target...Happiness, it depends on how satisfied you are with yourself...Tomorrow will be another day and we are one of the luckiest group of people in this world.
http://mr6.plumeflowers.com/article9.html
http://mr6.plumeflowers.com/article10.html
是時候了，我等了很久，皮膚，乾涸似老樹的枝幹，旅行袋懶洋洋就躺在門廳裏，電話，坐在那兒，無聲無息。
我平靜的收拾著行裝，確定所有的賬單都已付清，確定愛我的人都已忘記，確認再沒有什麽多餘的掛牽，我望住蒼白的墻，鏡框裏我童年的模樣。照相片的人在世界的另一個角落等我，而我，也不需要耽擱了...我對他說：
“走吧”
他沒有異議，扶住墻，瘦弱的身體似乎顫了顫，但那個靈魂，卻筆直的早已在等候。
海，就在不遠處。
我，將會帶他去看海。
（寫於2007年5月9日早上5：34，未完待續）
"Cold here, icy cold there. You belong to neither, leaves have with ered. 
Your face is pale and blue, a tearful smile. Some-thing in your eyes,whispers words of last good-bye. My heart sinks down,tears surge out.
Hot summer.Cheerful Cocktail. You took my hand. We fled into another world of band. You sat by my side, long hair tied behind,cool and killing.Smile floating on the lemonade,soft and smooth.How I was? amazed.Your face looked like the cover of the magazine.My head spin. You led my hand,danced along the crazy theme.
Light vied with wine, elegance mixed with fragrance,laughing covered by greetings, the crowed was busy at handshaking.You stoodthere, eyes on me. I trembled at the sparkles, centerer than the light. A masterpiece from God, I felt dizzy. We were not near, yet we were togeth-er.
Days ended. You said, you would wait for me at the Alps side.We would ski against snowflakes dancing in the sky. I gave no answer but a good-bye to ac-company your flight. Gone was the plane,I suddenly tasted my pain. I knew I had been silly and stupid,you were in my heart, I shouldn’t have hidden in the dark. I tried to forget your disappointment. I made be-lieve sometime someday,I would tell you, I feel all the same.
My thought struggled at confessing, somehow hesitation ended in flinching. I continued my role of a fool, clinched to my maiden pride, yet secretly in-dulged in your promise of the white land --snow measuring down to us, in your arms I am lifted up. The chiming of Christmas bell!
The bell died in the patter of rain, from hell came the laughing of Satan at my brain. Tearful smile, swal-lowed by the darkness.How could I trace your hair to wipe your tears? My hands reached out,catching nothing but a raindrop, on a leaf that had withered.
Snowflakes have melted into water, we are no more together. "
"此处寒兮，彼处亦寒。
枯叶凋零兮，君当何人属欤？
君面惨淡忧郁兮，相看带笑泪眼。
君热泪盈盈复喃喃喁唧兮，别亦难。
沉落兮，泪涌似涛自难抑。
当忆酷夏兮，鸡尾酒会欢娱。
君执妾手兮，沉醉于二人世界里。
君坐妾之侧兮，髻发高束；英姿勃发兮，酷毙。
笑逐颜开兮，温润如玉。
讶君之面兮，再世吕布周郎。
心荡漾兮，手为君执；和曲起舞兮，癫狂。
灯盏相辉兮，芳雅相应；祝辞笑浪起伏兮，芸芸相送急。
君且立一旁兮，美目探妾。
妾莹灯下伫立兮，心动不已。
感帝之杰作兮，使妾沉迷。虽与君相隔远兮,心心相近。
旧日已逝兮，如梦。
会当临于阿尔卑斯山侧兮，滑雪于雪花飞舞之穹下。
欲说还休兮，惟祈安康。
航机渐逝兮，妾心将苦。
深知妾之愚钝兮，然君已窃妾心；妾当不可漠然兮，黯然彷徨。
妾亦尝忘君兮，恐失之交臂。
信有时兮，告君心迹。
挣于忏悔兮，退缩犹豫。
愚于处子之婚盟兮，窃纵意于君之诺。白雪皑皑兮，君挽妾身；妾意甚欢兮，聆圣诞钟鸣。
然钟声忽止于急雨兮，但闻撒旦之欢声笑语。
含泪倩笑兮，吞泯于暗黑。
欲将君之发揾君之泪兮，可欤？伸手所触兮，惟一叶飘零一滴飘洒。观积雪融兮，叹与君各在天涯。 "
-by Fan, Yong
Our Chef Pavel always likes to tell jokes...some jokes aren't that funny but we really like his performance when he's telling a joke, so we still give him applause...
Tonight I feel like I am the female version of Pavel because I keep telling jokes...Wilson and Jon just look at me without any reaction when I finish my jokes but I can't help just laughing at them by myself...even though my lips hurt (I don't know why but not because of the oral work, like my friend teased me about) so it causes a lot of pain and it might give me an asymmetric mouth-shape but I don't care. For example, I had spring rolls tonight and it hurt a lot when I ate them. I told Guy Cirino that I had a "painful but tasty dinner", then Guy asked me why I didn't just order soup, "No! I can die for a good dinner, so who cares about the pain!!!"
Yes, there's a lot of fun in this boring life...and I always laugh more and more and enjoy each day. All of my friends and even customers say that I am too special. I'm not really sure whether that is a compliment or not but today I asked Guy Cirino:
"Maybe I am the only one awake and normal and all of the others are still sleeping but they're still laughing at me."
As Thomas said to me, it is very easy for me to find a lot of fun in life so it affects the people around me, and they feel my happiness and energy. But it doesn't mean I don't understand the pain. Big pain makes for big enjoyment---it's the release after you find out the real meaning of life itself.
Like I told my friends about my funeral...Yes I know no one can really wants to think about that but here on my own blog I want to announce to everyone the details of my funeral:
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