My Photo

Joyce

  • A male-fish swimming on Mars in my last life, then down to Earth 30 years ago, in Mainland, China. Now I am a interior designer helping places stand out from the ordinary...also running a little concept bar in soho, hong kong, called "joyce is not here". Why? because I send my spirit flying around to get more inspirations...love, friends, music, art, travel...so many things keep me here, and mom is always the one who supports me. Not sure when god will send me back to where I am from, but the memory of this world, is a great one! (www.joycebakerdesign.com)

art

  • Venusbig

Recent Comments

July 2008

Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31    
Blog powered by TypePad

people

music

Pages

reading

June 29, 2008

我要的一生The Life I want

First, I bought lots of insurance. Then I won’t bring anyone trouble even if I can’t die well.

So now, I need to eat & drink well.

I am never lazy when I need to cook; there are always 4 dishes and a soup even if I’m cooking at home alone. I don’t eat artificial foods, like diet coke or skim milk, etc.

I like rich cheese and black chocolate. I like goose liver and truffles. I never drink fruity beer, I prefer Guinness & woody wine.

I like to listen and watch well. I don’t have many CDs or DVDs, but they are all originals, because I want a complete song when the movie finishes.

I want my own space and time. Sorry, I don’t always like to be with other people or live with people. I don’t even want to listen to another person’s breath when I am alone.

I need to walk far.

I need to walk through an elegant cemetery with all the leaves falling around me, walk alone along a lakeshore covered in early morning sunshine, walk in an organic museum bathed in natural light. These roads wind through many countries and are filled with many curves, many turns, many stories and many people within the stories…

Certainly, I want to have thoughts & Music.

Thoughts bring me depth, and music gives me a melody.

Money, I’d like too, of course. But I can’t lose myself because of money or change myself to be money’s slave, and I can’t get up too early just to make money.

I need many men who love me, and remember me…they’ll all remember those wild moments especially the embarrassment of only the two of us facing everyone at a huge dinner, like for 10 people… 

Of course I need friends, and I am happy when they contact me when they want help or when they want to share something with me.

I like to be left and right, up and down, loose and tight, to be lively and quiet.

I don’t care about economy class, but I don’t want any kids beside me, please, I am full of love but kids can’t control their volume when I want it to be quiet.

I accept homosexuals, but please don’t let me know what gender they act like.  If love can cross gender itself, then you don’t need to let me know whether you act like a boy or girl.

I am ok with politics, but please don’t use it to gain your own benefit!

I am ok with investment, but please learn about what you invest, otherwise just go home to feed your children.

I don’t like it when two Chinese people speak English to each other, even if they can speak English like an Englishman.

I also don’t understand why some people can’t understand my Cantonese, I know that I have bigger tongue, but it is not so big that I can’t even fit it into my mouth!

By the way, I also like men who use money clips, but please don’t use it to clip 50,000 dollars just to show off…there is nothing that expensive if you’re just walking around central market.

Lastly, I love challenges! All kinds of Challenges! If you are brave enough, then come on baby. Let’s go!!!

首先,我會買好保險,死不了也不麻煩家人Beautiful20life

然後,我要吃好,我從不懶於廚技,家常小菜也是四菜一湯。我也不吃假的食物,我不喝減肥可樂,脫脂牛奶,喜歡濃的芝士,黑的朱古力。愛鵝肝,松茸,也不喜歡果味啤酒,我要黑啤與藏著木澀的紅酒。

我要聼好與看好。我的音樂與電影CD,DVD不算多,但都是原版的,我要完整的一首影片尾曲。

我要自己的時間與空間。

sorry,我不喜歡群處與群居。我要安靜時,甚至聼不到別人的呼吸聲。

我要走很遠很遠的路。是在鋪滿落葉的優雅而孤寂的墓園裏,在翻捲著霞光的河畔的小路上,或是充滿幾何感的透進自然光的博物館中,那是很多個國家裏的很多條路。是很多個峰回路轉,盤蜒九曲,路上滿是故事與故事裏的人。

我更要思想與音樂。

思想賦予我深度,音樂給我旋律。

我要愛我的很多男人,他們都會記住我,記住我們那些一點也不造作的奔放的好時光,或是我們捧著肚子去吃滿漢全席的豪邁。

我當然要朋友,但我不要每天見著他們,只要有讓我幫忙的或是分享的,來通知我,我便會在那兒了。

我要文武全能。我要動靜皆宜。我要張弛有度。

錢嘛,當然也不嫌多,但不要讓我失去自我,不要讓我變成奴隸,不要讓我爲了錢睡不成懶覺。

我不介意經濟艙,但是請不要安排小孩子在我旁邊,我博愛,但小孩子不能給我絕對的安靜。

我不反對同性戀,但拜托不要讓我猜到他們代表的性別,如果是超越了男女的界限,就不要拘泥於膚淺的男扮女裝貨女扮男裝。

我不厭惡政治,但可否不要玩弄它只為給自己添資本。

我不抗拒投資或投機,但若連你的投資或投機工具都不熟悉,拜托還是回家餵奶吧。

我不喜歡中國人與中國人說英語,即使你把英文說的比英國人還地道。我也很不解有人聼不懂我的廣東話,我舌頭大,但還不至於大到塞不進嘴裏。

還有,我喜歡用money clip 的男人,但請不要夾著幾万塊錢招搖過市,在香港逛逛中環街市,還不至於那麽貴。

最後,我喜歡挑戰,各種各樣的,有種的,就來吧!

May 30, 2008

思念---missing you...

the space one misses4169934md

can be really small

the time it takes to miss

can be really short

the people we miss

can be really few

There are no restrictions.

There's no need for songs to inspire, no need for alcohol to burn...sometimes we don't need anything.

Even just a moment or a very quiet night, when there are not many people around...I look at my shelves, filled with many beautiful movies I have no time to enjoy..then suddenly I feel that I miss you...I miss all those blurred memories of you and maybe the only thing I can remember, is your eyes...and the power that you exuded...the power that I can feel but that's ignored by others...

So, I have decided that I won't to look for any reasons...sometimes the feeling of "missing", cannot be expressed and isn't realized at all...and of course there aren't any reasons which can explain it...the feeling of missing can be forgotten with the wind...

maybe after many many years, when I listen to a certain melody or when I find another pair of eyes with which to gaze into,

I will remember you, and I will know how much I miss you...

思念的空間

可以是很小

思念的時間

可以是很短

思念的人

可以很少

是沒有預約的,不需要歌聲去引發,亦不需要酒精去燃燒,有時什麽也不需要,即使是在一個瞬間, 在一個很安靜的夜晚,沒有什麽客人,我擡頭望望書架,很多美麗的電影也沒有時間去看,便突然,我很想念你,想念那些很模糊的關於你的印象,也許真正記住的,只是那一個憂鬱的眼神,那一份隱藏的力量---我常常感受到的那一種力量...

於是,我決定不去追究那所有的理由,有些思念,是無法表達與無法實現的,是沒有緣由的,是會隨風淡去並漸漸被遺忘的,只是也許,在許多年以後,當聽到一首歌或望著一種眼神時,我會想起你...

May 27, 2008

mom I promise you...

Mom, I promise you that I won't go this time...Hope_2

When I was a kid, you taught me that I belonged to the whole world...

When I was 18, you pushed me out of our warm home, to the other side of the world...I cried...I held you tight at Beijing airport..."mom I don't want to leave home..."

"No, you must go!!! You must see this world, not only a small piece of land!!!"

That was July 23, 1989.

I left home...from country to country...city to city....I moved again and again...My foot prints have been all over 40 countries, hundreds of cities and 5 continents...I met people, I wrote travel notes...I said hello and good bye to all the strangers I met on the way...

You didn't stop me when I joined in Tian-An-Men square at June 4th...

You didn't stop me when I came back during the Sars Period to help...

You never stopped me anytime that I gave anything to anyone...but you stopped me this time...

But just now, after a few days, I have finally convinced you, you told me:

"your passport is here...I'm letting you go..."

"Will you worry about me?" I asked

"I don't know.."

"So if I die, who will look after you or could you look after yourself better?"

"I don't know..."

"mom, just because of you, I don't really know what to do..."

"I don't want to be a burden to you..."

I'm sitting here, crying...I don't know what I should do???

I always wanted to be a photographer, a real photographer who shoots all the valuable moments in life...I have a sensitive heart so I always capture meaningful shots...this time, not only for this reason, I feel that I can't help enough if I stay here, do a couple of design jobs or make a couple dollars from people drinking...

I can do something more...

I understand English, I can translate to soldiers how to arrange the resources being sent from all over the world..

I know cooking so I can help to make better food

I love writing so I will write down all I see...

I sing, for darkness to accompany them

I draw portraits, to help those children remember their dead parents

...

There are many many things I can do, besides just using the camera in my hands...more than the things I have done here, like that little donation...

I have power to gather people together...I have passion to warm people with...I have energy to encourage people, I have love to share with them....

Yes, I can do a lot..much more than if I am here...

But, mom, finally, finally I've just diecided I won't go this time...

I promise you that I won't go!!

You are getting old...you just finished having an operation...I understand that you feel pain just like me and I understand you need me...there are enough familys that have lost members, so I can't do that again to you, to our family...

Mom, I promise you that I won't go this time...for you...only for you...

But my heart is over there...

I'll pray for everybody in this world to have a happy face again

I'll pray that nobody will have to suffer more

I'll pray that the sky is always blue and flowers will bloom forever

I'll pray that we all love each other and give each other support

I'll pray that hands will hold hold hands and eyes will reach eyes...

I'll pray for you, all of you...

你的琴聲

P5240282在那些昏暗的午後,在那條祗有嘈雜人聲與車聲的古舊的街道,在心與心空洞的回響中,我聽到了你:

小提琴一曲的悠揚,奏的是久遠的一段旋律,是我所熟悉的小夜曲,從此,我的那一天,被你點亮...

被你點亮,心隨音樂而飛翔,天的另一面,夜的吮吸裏,進了陌生人的夢鄉。把山攥成一小堆,把海裝進一小瓶,把海另一邊關於岸的空氣,凝成一小滴,水蒸氣上升,飛到11000哩的空中,再跌近你的世界裏...

你會驚醒,小提琴的旋律,熟悉的在枕畔翻騰,你卻不知,那裏的風會如此順解人意,把我的思戀,融在夢裏...

我就是這樣,等在這裡,望著出神,那一刻,什麽都不存在,獨奏的歌,獨步的舞,在這個孤獨的午後,倦懶的蜷在我的黑咖啡裏, 唇上的些許苦意,盪開,再盪開...

May 19, 2008

我多災多難的祖國---My suffering motherland

Wenchuan_help11我感受著, 深重的罪惡感。

因我在這裡,在吃,在喝,有溫暖的床,有美酒,有親朋,而我親愛的祖國,正在飽受無邊磨難..

我恨我不能,抛低這一切,去那裏幫助親愛的鄉親,我在説服mom, to allow 我明日前行,mom 知道,自小時,我就是這樣的任性,會為理想犧牲,即使是生命。

而今,我多災多難的祖國,在那裏,掙扎,輾轉,我在繁華都市,墮落與作樂...卑利街上,沒有人,同我同痛,同我淚灑,同我揪心於幾千里外的離合悲歡...

我的祖國,我是那麽的愛著你,即使遙遠,但心,從來沒有離開過...因爲我永遠的記住與永遠驕傲:

我是中國人!!!

http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=romance&MsgID=403276

A strong feeling of Guilt, is filling my heart!!!

I am here, eating & drinking, I have a comfy bed with a glass of wine, I have friends & family, but my beloved motherland, she is suffering...

I hate myself because I can't give up everything, and go there to help them!!! I would like to convince my mom, to let me go...Mom knows me, I was such a desperate person, since I was a kid, for dreams & faith, I would like to give everything, include my Life...

Now, my motherland, is struggling; Me, I'm in such a fancy world, entertaining every night! In the bar, none feel pain like me, none cry with me, none worry about what's happening a 1000 miles away...

My motherland, I truly love you! Even I am not on that piece of land, but my heart has never left there!!

Because I always remember & I am proud that:

I am a Chinese!!!

May 14, 2008

窗外-Outside of Window

Saturday_at_fresco_008 從病房望出去,是馬場。

有人在清理草地,新鮮的氣息,似乎一直可以傳進屋裏。

我坐在這裡,四周很靜,很累,身心俱疲。

5月14日的下午,媽媽正在養和做著一項小手術,我一個人,被包裹在無邊的空寂裏...

空寂,給思想予空間,然後思索...

我縂在思索著,人生的真正意義,也縂在摸詢,一種正確的人生態度,也許這種怪異的思想,緣自自幼深厚的文化熏陶及家庭悠遠的足跡。

我的外公,齊偉成先生,修讀於日本東京帝國大學,學畢後在上海創辦了《世界周報〉;我的曾祖母,趙乃映女士,創辦了浙江會興女子學院,她亦是著名的書法家,畫家,精通劍術並工于女紅。外婆,瓜爾加氏的後裔,溥儀的家族。而我的母親齊林,畢業於俄儸斯聖彼得堡大學,博書萬卷,周遊列國,我七嵗時,她爲了追求自由而離開了我的生父,從此人生坎坷,但精彩奔放。

對藝術,繪畫,文學,歷史,人文,他們都擁有極高的學識,我雖相差甚遠,但無形中耳濡目染,這種豐厚的家庭環境,竟造就出我成爲這樣一個洋不洋,中不中的另類。

我是從不滿足的,不是金錢上的追逐,而是精神的渴求

我亦是不安分的,也是不易妥協的。

大部分時間,我是快樂的,但又是孤獨的,有時被一種悲天憫人的情緒所感動自己,有時又會努力的追尋生命中哪怕是微小的一點人性的光輝。

就是這些點點滴滴的對於生命的積累與敏感,使我至今仍放棄不了對於中文的寫作,在人生每一種艱辛時日,每一個茫然的午夜,在別人憧憬一些實在時,我在那裏,思忖著古老中國文字的運用,及對蟲鳴花落的感懷。

也許,這對許多人而言,是多餘並微不足道的,但於我,那卻是使生命充滿異彩,而餘韻無窮。

就像此時,夜已在我的鍵盤的滴滴答答聲中,來臨,媽媽就睡在旁邊,又一個晚春初夏的午後,走遠了,而我,又應走向何處呢?

Look out the window of the room in Hospital, at the Jockey Club, in Happy Valley.

Sb was cleaning the grassland; the fresh smell seems to squezze into the room…

I am sitting here, very quiet …I am tired, both phyically and mentally….

On the Afternoon of May.14th, mom is having a small operation here, I am alone at this moment, and I am wrapped in the feeling of loneliness completely…

Alone, I have more time for my brain, and start to think…

I was always thinking, about the real meaning of life…then always looked for, the correct attitude towards the world…Maybe this kind of weird thoughts, have all come from my childhood's rich cultural environment and the history of my family…

My grapa, Mr. Qi, Wei Cheng, graduated from Tokyo University, after which he established the newspaper <Global Weekly> in Shang Hai. My great-grama, Ms. Zhao, Nai Ying, established the first Hui Xing Women College in Zhe Jiang, she was also a famous painter, hand-writer, good at sword skills and embrodering…My grama, a child of the Er-er-jia Family, and relative of the last  emperor Pu Yi.

My beloved mother, Qi Lin, who gradated from St. Petersburg University. She has read more than 10 thousands books and her foot prints are all over the world…In order to follow her dreams, she divorced with my dad when I was 7. Her life has been full of difficulties but brilliant.   

In terms on Art, Painting, Culture, History and Humanity, my family all have a great reputation.  Although I am a thousand degrees away from that level, being in such a artistic environment, I've  become such a weird mix, a combination of western  and eastern influences….

I've never been satisfied…not in any benefits, I've never stopped looking for more improvement of my spirit.

Also I am not stable, and I don't find it easy to compromise….

Most of time, I am happy but  I am lonely…Sometimes I am touched by the sensitivity of the life itself, sometimes I  search for the sparkles of  beauty & kindness in people…

Because of such experiences and thoughts, I have never stopped writing Chinese …In all those struggling nights, in the loneliness, when all the others are worry about reality, I am here, to think of the best way to work with such  beautiful words in this world…to feel the excitement of  the world…

Maybe, this is just a minor thing for most people, but that is what makes my life a surprise and creates a beautiful song to me…

Just like this moment, night is falling while the sounds of my keyboard are dancing…Mom is sleeping beside me…another late spring afternoon has gone, but, where should I go?

May 10, 2008

永存的旋律-Return To Forever

我望著他的眼Hands_2

我看到了悲傷

那不是一雙快樂的目光...感覺,在那個又是迷亂的夜晚,點點滴滴刺痛著我的心...單薄的褲管裏,我想像著那同樣是

單薄的身軀。

但僅僅是身軀,精神,無比的強大。

他強大的,可以化腐朽予神奇

他強大的,可以創造音樂的奇跡

他強大的,将激情在内心燃燒,為旋律。

記得你說,你年紀大了,你還告訴我,你沒有什麽錢。

但我想說,你有旋律,是你最美麗的東西。

就是在這個夜晚,同每一個一樣的夜晚,我常常懷著一種悲觀的情緒,去把我自己身陷於對美妙音樂的癡迷裏,所謂悲觀,因爲我無法肯定明天,明天是否仍擁有音樂,或是明天我是否在音樂中死去。我蒼涼的計劃著我的葬禮,會訂上100箱我拜訪過的Wine domaine in Provence的紅酒,空氣中彌漫著清脆的乾草味道,之後,我躺在那裏,閉上眼睛,靜靜的聽著全部我生命裏所愛的音樂。

也就是在這個夜晚,我看到了你的眼睛,及眼睛裏的悲傷,我還看到了火,我不知那是被靈性所激活的火,還是生命終不肯放棄的,但那分明是火。

不肯放棄,我從沒放棄,我知道你也沒有,儘管我們是那麽的遙遠,我在網上,找不到再多的關於你的敍述,但我分明看到了那一抹執著。也許,這是風格,是唯一可以讓我動容,又與我深深連接在一起的:

風格!

我不知道在香港,還有多少人,在這裡不去賺錢,而來靜靜的欣賞純音樂,我不知還有多少人,會控制不住的隨音樂搖擺。人們會在乎100元包一杯飲料的入場費,會在乎那多出的40元錢,付給我們無價的音樂家。

那天賴之音,來自他們!

那撫平傷口的觸摸,來自他們!

那無論是和諧還是撞擊,來自他們!

那無疆界的梵音,來自他們!

我就想,爲何你不走?去探訪亞馬遜河谷的湍流,去呼吸西西里島的日落,帶著屬於你的7個旋律,還有記憶,一瓶86年的Bordeaux的紅酒,無數佳作由你手指滑落,融在溫濕的初夏的夜氣裏...

於是此刻,我閉上眼睛,開始想著旋律,那世界上屬於你的最美麗的東西...Untitled

I looked at his eyes and I saw sadness there.

They were not a pair of happy eyes, the feeling, on that foggy night, deeply pierced my heart…

I looked at those pants, the material was very thin, I imagined that inside would be the same thin:

Body…

But that was only his body…his spirit, is so strong…

He is strong, making miracles happen

He is strong, creating music

He is strong, writing the melody, with passion from his heart…

You told me, that you are getting old…you also told me that you don’t have much money…

But I want to tell you, that you have a melody and that is the most beautiful thing you have…

Then tonight…as with all other similar nights here in Fresco, I am here with a feeling of pessimism and wanting to sink myself into such great music…why pessimistic, because I am not sure that I will be able to listen to them tomorrow, or I might die wallowing in such a lovely melody…

Feeling the melancholy deep within, I am planning my funeral, I will order 100 cases of wine from the winery I visited in Provence…the smell of fresh and dry grass flowing through the garden… I will lie there and close my eyes…it will be a very quiet night and I will enjoy all the music I’ve loved in my life, with no disturbances….

And on that same night, I saw your eyes, and the sadness in your eyes…

I also saw the fire. I am not sure if fire was for inspiration, or the fire means never give up, but there was definitely there…

Never give up!

I’ve never given up and I know that you haven’t. Even if there is a 1000 miles distance between you and me, even if I can’t find enough information about you from the web, I can feel the willful force from that!

Perhaps, I’ll call it “STYLE”, and that will be the only thing can touch me and connect me with you:

Our Styles!

My friend, I don’t really know how many people in Hong Kong will stop making money and come here purely for music. I really don’t know how many people will move their bodies with the beat of the music…

People will care about a HK$ 100 cover charge that comes with one standard drink…People care about that extra HK$40, for our priceless musicians…

But, the sound of heaven, is from them!

The soothing melody to comfort your pain, is from them!

The contrast and the compromise, is from them!

The boundless music, is from them!!!

So I was there thinking…why you don’t leave? Why don’t you visit the fast flows of the Amazon Valley? Why don’t you breath the sunset of the island of Sicily?

Why don’t you leave, carrying your 7 music notes, your memories, a bottle of 86’ Bordeaux…then many amazing works will fall from your fingers, they will melt into the humid night air of this summer…

At this moment, I am closing my eyes, and starting to think about the melody, the most beautiful things that you have in this world!

March 25, 2008

提筆,writing...

many things are happening now

many things are finishing now

I'm in such a confusion, but starting to think seriously...

these few days, Rob is not here. Married to him for a few years, it is the first time I can feel, that he really shared a lot with me. Perhaps, that is the definition of "life partner". Mom will have an small operation, very small one, but I feel the pressure.

Musician Dean complained that why I always write something sad, so I promised him that I am going to write something happy.

But life, is full of sadness...

I've been back to Hong Kong for almost 4 years...

Have done almost 50 interior design projects...and have 2 bars...Many people, even the strangers they have heard of me "are you that JOYCE?"

Which JOYCE?!

I use my special talents to do design, but I have no time to participate in any design compititions.

I use my unique taste to choose movies, but most of them, I have no time to enjoy...

I've met so many brilliant musicians, whether they are successful or struggling now, I really respect their professional skills. I can watch them and listen to them, then forget my exisitence. I believe that I have some connections with music, but I have no time to understand them more...

I want to learn Film making, to learn photography, but I have no time.

I love my mom so much, and my friends, but I have no time to be with them more...

I love traveling, I've only been to 40 countries, so how about the other 80 countries?

I'm getting a bit fat...a couple of wrinkles appeared on my face...but I have no time to go to the GYM or solve such problems that years bring to me...

Yes, I don't have time, But I've never complained really...Last Sat., I was there doing my design drawing, while Dan, Mike & Mia performed...I drew, then stopped for a while to enjoy their gig...I felt that I was in heaven...Doing the things I like, and listening to the best music in the world, I really feel that I have nothing to complain about...

My days, in the last 3 years, have been on Peel Street. In my 650 sqft "joyce Is Not Here", then expanded to the opposite side of the street, "fresco". In between there is Peel Street, up to Caine Rd. and down to Queens Rd. Central.

My days, were in the happiness and sadness of my favorite customers, and friends...They married, they divorced..they had babies, or boyfriends...they broke up..they were sick sometimes...they went on vacation...They came by themselves, or with lovers, ex-lovers...on their first date...or they came with a whole group...They came to get drunk or they came to celebrate their birthdays..they came to read poems, jam, or watch movies...

While I am writing, I have tears falling down my face...so many nice & warm nights, I am here, with you...and sharing with you...

My days, were like this...and I have never complained...

But, life is full of sadness...

許多的事情也在發生

許多的事情也正在完結

我處於一種煩亂中,開始認真的思索。

這幾天,rob不在身邊。結婚幾年,第一次體會原來他真的分擔了很多,也許,這就是伴侶的意義吧。媽媽將快做手術,小小一莊,但我已感到壓力。

音樂家dean投訴我爲何總是寫傷感的話題,我答應他下周一寫份開心的。

但人生,原來是充滿了感傷。

囘港快四年了。

完成了有快50個室内設計的projects了吧。還有兩閒酒吧。很多同行,即陌生人知道我。會說“這就是那個joyce?!"

這就是哪個joyce?

我在靠我的絕佳天分,去做設計,但我沒有時間去參加任何比賽。

我在靠我的小小特別的品位,去挑選電影,但大多數我的珍藏,我卻沒有欣賞過。

我遇到了那麽多美好的優秀的音樂家,無論他們是成功的,還是暫時掙扎的,但我無比尊重他們的專長,我可以望著他們,聼著他們,而忘記的自己的存在,我想,我同音樂是相通的,但是我沒有時間去體會他們。

我想去學導演,去學攝影,我沒有時間。

我那麽愛我的媽媽,我的朋友,但我沒有時間伴隨他們。

我愛旅遊,我才走過40個國家,另外的80個呢?我沒有時間。

我胖了一些,臉上多了兩條皺紋,我沒有時間去健身,去理會這些歲月的痕跡。

我沒有時間。但我沒有抱怨,我從來也沒有真的去抱怨什麽。上星期六,Dan, Mike & Mia 在那兒唱歌,我在那兒畫我室内設計的圖,畫一會,望望他們,再聼一會,那一刻,我覺得自己在天堂。做著自己喜歡的事,聼著世界上最動聽的歌,我真的什麽也不抱怨。

我的日子,在過去的3年來,在卑利街,在我650尺的"joyce is not here"裏,之後擴展到對面,再大一些的“fresco". 中間有一條卑利街,向上通到堅道,下可到皇后大道中。

我的日子,在我愛的人們的喜怒哀樂中,我的客人結婚,離婚,有小孩子,有男朋友,再分手,生病,去度假...一個人來,同情人來,再同舊情人來,第一次約會,或同一大幫人來...來借酒消愁,來慶祝生日,來讀詩,來看電影...我寫著寫著,在流眼淚,那麽多感人的夜晚,我都在這裡,同你們分享。

我的日子,就是這麽流逝著。

我沒有任何的抱怨,儘管人生是充滿了感傷。

December 19, 2007

there is a emotion, called " touched"---有一種情感,叫做感動

I don't often write nowadays, but my heart is still full of emotions, as always. Many tiny things seem to hinder my desire to write, but my heart, it never stops feeling...

A SURGE OF EMOTION...

We went to see Dayo Wong's comedy show last night, it was unbelievable, just amazing. We laughed for 3 hours and felt surprised by the easy, friendly atmosphere. During the taxi ride back, I was still feeling touched by a show that combined philisophic, humanistic, and hi-tech entertainment. < More trouble, More happiness! > Dayo Wong, filled me with happiness and touched me at the same time...

A few hours later, heading home and in the taxi again, the driver suddenly put on the old song <Under the Lion Rock> by Roman. It was such familiar melody and I was touched by the lyrics: "In our lives, we all have happiness and sadness, but how lucky we are to have met each other under this Lion Rock...". I was still singing even while I took shower, that's why I am writing the article about feeling <touched>.

A few days ago, my mom gave me some information about a new movie by Feng Xiao-Gang called <Assembly>, 47 lives wasted to write a several years long song of war. The movie was full of unhappy greyness and depressed ashes. The director concentrated on the real audio effects to match the war background, he tried to create a realistic war movie not only including the courageous parts, but also the human side of war. I was touched, by those 15 pages of prints, and I felt great sincerity from him.

And, more friends are leaving...I'm not sure if it's for forever, or not. But what defines "forever", as Dayo Wong said "How long is FOREVER? If you add one year or deduct a year, is that still FOREVER???"

However, they are really leaving. My heart, it doesn't really feel sad...but it was touched ...it was touched by those no-good-byes partings, and those imposible see-you-again's...my friends, you know where I am and I wish you a good trip...a trip for vacation or a trip for life...

Then, another year...is gone again...

"joyce is not here" a cozy place like home is going into its final two years and the new gathering spot "peel fresco music lounge" feels so far from all those neon lights.

My design career is passing into another brilliant year. But the sad thing is, all those new born projects, have passed.

Before I could enter my site everyday, the dusty site, with its kind workers, but now they are all gone. Now I need to press the door bell to enter and all the workers are gone. There is no dust, no noise. Such a perfect project has been added to my profolio, but it just means another ending---

Goodbye to my clients, goodbye to my workers, goodbye to my sites, goodbye my always dusty view, goodbye to all the bothersome noise. Longing, the feeling of longing, building up and being reborn. But I love the memories, I miss all of those memories and I was so deeply touched, by all of those daily occurences...

Love, its another sad thing. My lover, who knows nothing about Chinese Culture, in fact seems to laugh at my rich cultural background. I am looking at that very kind but uncommunicable face. I only blame myself, that's why I love to being alone sometimes...to keep some space so I need not to explain to him. I am here, in this empty house, to sing, to dance...

There is a emotion, called "touched"...I have been, always am touched. Such a warm emotion, filling my heart, pushing me and pulling me. Not only bringing me to tears, but also letting me smile and shout. The year 2008, is coming to me in such a mess of disorganized thoughts, and it carries me into another unknown moment...

written on Dec.19, 2007, 4am.

疏於持筆,情卻始然,雖為瑣事久滯的思緒揮灑,但心,一直在那裏澎湃。

澎湃。

今晚觀賞了黃子華的棟篤笑,精彩的不敢相信。大笑三個小時,我驚訝於全場的互動。回來的TAXI裏,我感動著,感動香港竟然還擁有如此縝密的思緒,貫通哲理,人文,高科技,與娛樂的一場準備,《越大鑊,越快樂〉,黃子華,快樂著我,亦感動著我。

歸家時,又是TAXI, 狇的放起了羅文的老歌《獅子山下〉,“人生中有歡喜, 難免亦常有淚,我們大家,在獅子山下相遇上...", 我感動著,沖涼時亦哼著小調,之後便坐在這裡,寫這篇名為《感動〉的文。

前幾天,媽媽給了我馮小剛導演新片的介紹,《 集結號〉,47個壯烈的生命,一首幾十年的悲歌,灰蒙蒙的調子,導演用心去講如何去創造逼真的音響,如何配合完美的背景,如何去拍一套觸動人心的真正的戰爭片,我心感動,沉浸於那幾十頁灰灰沉沉的圖畫中,感受著,一份厚實的誠意。

又有一些好朋友,要走了。不知是不是永遠,如黃子華講“永遠有多遠?永遠減一年,或加一年,還是永遠么?“

但他們是真的走了。我的心,麻木著,但亦感動著。感動著那些不經意的離別,和那些也許永遠實現不了的相見。

又一年,流逝了。“JOYCE IS NOT HERE", 如家一般的情懷,進入倒數的兩年,新的聚焦點“FRESCO",在紅塵中仿佛離我那般遙遠。

設計的事業,輝煌中又是一年,傷感的只是,那些作品的誕生,便是離別。從前可以每天去看看的骯髒地盤,熟絡的師傅,早已遠去。如今,進大門需要按門鈡。師傅們不見了,沒有塵土,沒有噪音,漂漂亮亮的一個作品,加在我的作品集裏,卻又是一次離別,告別我的客人,我的師傅,我的工地,我的塵土飛揚的視野,我的喧擾嘈雜的聲浪,寂寞,滿滿的堆積著,是下一次的萌發,但,我念舊。而且,我會被過程感動。

情感,亦是一種遺憾. 枕邊人,對中國文化的茫然無知,似在嘲笑我豐盛的文化底蘊。望住那邊無法溝通的善良面孔,有的,是深深的自責。不小心,便造就的如此的陰錯陽差,不知是傷感抑或是感動,我常常會獨處,保留那片別人不可理解的空地,而我在此,歌唱與舞蹈。

有一種情感,叫做感動。我便,時常被感動。一種情懷,暖暖的縂於心間,推攘我,湧動我,帶出的不僅是淚,亦笑,亦高聲叫,2008年,在這些紛亂無章的念頭中走近,引來我人生,又一個未知的華年......

2007年12月19日淩晨4時

September 26, 2007

23年前的吻

記憶裏許多往事,都執著的不想記起,極致的多情便是無情,卻在中秋月圓之夜,收到第一個男友的越洋短信:

“還記得23年前今夜的初吻麽?”

我的心,在那一刻停頓了。

我記得。

多少次的不想再見到他,多少次不去觸及任何有關昨日的回憶,卻因短短的幾個字,把我打垮, 擊碎,物是人非,他於溫哥華的晴朗一日,我這裡是卑利街月圓時鄰里的幾段粵曲正在高歌。數月來的辛苦疲累,一整日的會議與煩惱,在這個似乎已經麻木的夜晚,因這幾個23年前的零星故事,帶給我一絲喘息:

我愛過的人們,別來無恙

是的,我記得那些吻,我記得我經歷的每一個人,我記得那些溫柔的撫摸,我記得交織成我生命的每一段戀曲。儘管我有時任性有時冷酷有時荒唐有時麻木,儘管我懶散的不去想與不去聯絡任何一個經歷的人,但我會記得。

我,並不是你所想象的如此健忘記,我沉默,不是我無感覺,我不去想,不是我會忘記。

但我是變得越來越麻木了,愛,在我的心裏,變得很少很少。我甚至不想去感受與被感染,我把自己變成個麻木的運轉的輪,去盡一切我要盡的責任,然後,不知何時,我就會消失,但功德圓滿的一日。

愛,很遙遠。23年, 很久很久了,上一次心動,距今已是整年,我孤獨的行走,在衆人的簇擁中,在人們的呵護裏,但是,感覺到心, 已經由雙腳,雙腿,滿滿的向上方無知覺,我卻在那裏?

健波,感謝你,23年後的問候,月月年年的殷情,厚重的如海浪,把我一絲一毫的擊倒,但那個怯懦的小女孩早已走遠,等待她的,或是綿綿長長的思憶,和著點點滴滴的愛的思語。

美好的情緒,我想念你,及每一個你們。

Kiss

August 27, 2007

my motherland

Spent a very meaningful night with mom. We went to enjoy the choral concert <the long march suite> by Beijing Military Art Troupe.

Haven't been touched like this in a long long time...Dsc00126

We had the National Class One Standing conductor leading the entire concert;

We had the internationally renown pianist Mr. Liu Shi Kun preform his Piano Solo, <The Yellow River Piano Concerto>;

We Had Mr. Warren Mok, who is also a world-renowned tenor do his Solo;

We had more than 200 performers;

We had 2 hours of singing all those familiar songs that influenced me since I was a child;

We had the Mass Choir of the entire hall, more than a thousands people, sing < Pearl of the Orient>...

Many people cried, tears out of control because of such old memories and the songs that recall our old days;

All of us held our breathe because of this performance...lighting effects, stage layout, performance attitudes, beautiful voices, passionate conducting, all shocked us...

Even though I can't play anything, I could feel my heart beating to each note;

Even though I was in the back role and couldn't see very well, I felt that I was almost on the stage singing with them;

Even though I am Canadian, but I so much miss my motherland, China, the place where I was raised and the place that brought me many many pure loves of this world...

I stood there, sang and shouted with 1000s of people:

"me and my motherland

Can never be apart

wherever I go

there is a song in my heart

I sing of every mountain

I sing of every river

the winding chimney smoke, the small villages

the track on the road

Me and my motherland

Are like a wave and the sea

the wave is the child of the sea

the sea is the home of the wave

My dearest motherland

you are the sea that would never run dry

Forever you would sing me the limpid songs of your waters and waves"

Dsc00127_2 

 

   

August 13, 2007

WHITE-Basil Racuk

Theoxeniahotel_santorini_view_room "Marijuana, la felicidad"
I'm not a pot smoker, but I appreciate the sentiment. "Marijuana, the pleasure". This is the song wafting through the stereo as I write these words. It's 4:30 p.m., Sunday. We've been in Greece for a week and I'm here to tell you: I'm red.
Not a fire engine red. Not tomato red. Not even bar tan red. It's the red of an almost 42 year old, bay area man that doesn't ever go in the sun red. One way ticket to melanoma red.
It's also a red that I'd like to believe "it's gonna turn into a tan" red, when the reality is that it will end up more a dyed ostrich skin red.
You can always tell a place by the animals on the street. Here in Santorini, cats and dogs are everywhere. Well-fed and very social. As I write, there's a huge doberman pinscher lying next to me, a bid smile on it's face, wagging it's tail.
This morning at sunrise I felt something jump on the bed. A little cat had jumped through our window and decided that he wanted to sleep with us, He went to sleep, waking up with us a few hours later. While we sat on our terrace later that morning, he was curled up on the floor between us, resting.
I like the idea of animals being communal. Everyone here feeds and gives them attention, and because of this they all get on well with people, as well as with each other. That said, I somehow feel as though I'm cheating on Fred, our cat at home.
A breeze blows from the southeast, up and over Oia, the town that we're staying in. Out on the water, between town and the volcano, a freighter makes its way around a series of small, barren islands. These islands were once part of a single land mass, but broke off and submerged after the volcanic eruption of 1450 b.c. From where I sit, they feel temporary, these islands. As though they could be moved out of the way with a sweep of the hand.
We've moved apartments, and are now at the Caldera (Volcano), a series of stand-alone villas perched on the edge of town. I spent the afternoon listening to tango on my Ipod, looking out at the sea. A french woman in a tres plus chic Cavalli bikini laid next to me, spread out on a lounge chair, reading Calvino en francais. An italian couple laying next to her, holding hands. Good tans, better gold.
On my fourth day on Santorini, I feel it more Key West- simple. Sure, it's overrun with with tourists. Yes, there are to many tschotzke shops. But I'm sitting here in my favorite cafe, and there's only one other customer, chatting away with the guy working behind the bar.
B is already setting up plans for our return next year. Are you in?
Furhter lines from my first missive:
"Inland, miles inland-
A little girl stops her play
And listens, just listens.
She thinks she hears the ocean.
She thinks she hears the beat of the swimmer.
And dreams, just dreams."
Crash, hiss.
Crash, hiss.

The swimmer floats, his arms meet the ocean. I look out, they meet the water, over and over, continually changing from air to water. The sun, the blue, the great beyond- and those arms; they are here, they are ours.

I'm looking at us in the near future, sand and surf.

Ruins. ( )-polis of all kinds. Lonely landscapes that once were not. "All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." Thus spoke Poe, and thus I speak for him, as the repetition for him has ended.

B and I will be in Greece from tomorrow. We'll have limited e-mail access, but will be sure to send messages over the course of that time (rest assured that you'll all be receiving a few patched together cocktail napkins worth of thoughts and encounters, by and by).

In the meantime, feel free to cobble together your own thoughts and requests (what would a request look like, anyway? A mind's eye snapshot that is tailored just for you? A request to set one stone on top of another, on a parched hilltop? A piece of glass, scavenged from the edge of some forgotten ruin (Acropolis="High City" in Greek, I've just learned).