joyce

思念---missing you...

the space one misses

can be really small

the time it takes to miss

can be really short

the people we miss

can be really few

There are no restrictions.

There's no need for songs to inspire, no need for alcohol to burn...sometimes we don't need anything.

Even just a moment or a very quiet night, when there are not many people around...I look at my shelves, filled with many beautiful movies I have no time to enjoy..then suddenly I feel that I miss you...I miss all those blurred memories of you and maybe the only thing I can remember, is your eyes...and the power that you exuded...the power that I can feel but that's ignored by others...

So, I have decided that I won't to look for any reasons...sometimes the feeling of "missing", cannot be expressed and isn't realized at all...and of course there aren't any reasons which can explain it...the feeling of missing can be forgotten with the wind...

maybe after many many years, when I listen to a certain melody or when I find another pair of eyes with which to gaze into,

I will remember you, and I will know how much I miss you...

思念的空間

可以是很小

思念的時間

可以是很短

思念的人

可以很少

是沒有預約的，不需要歌聲去引發，亦不需要酒精去燃燒，有時什麽也不需要，即使是在一個瞬間, 在一個很安靜的夜晚，沒有什麽客人，我擡頭望望書架，很多美麗的電影也沒有時間去看，便突然，我很想念你，想念那些很模糊的關於你的印象，也許真正記住的，只是那一個憂鬱的眼神，那一份隱藏的力量---我常常感受到的那一種力量...

於是，我決定不去追究那所有的理由，有些思念，是無法表達與無法實現的，是沒有緣由的，是會隨風淡去並漸漸被遺忘的，只是也許，在許多年以後，當聽到一首歌或望著一種眼神時，我會想起你...

mom I promise you...

Mom, I promise you that I won't go this time...

When I was a kid, you taught me that I belonged to the whole world...

When I was 18, you pushed me out of our warm home, to the other side of the world...I cried...I held you tight at Beijing airport..."mom I don't want to leave home..."

"No, you must go!!! You must see this world, not only a small piece of land!!!"

That was July 23, 1989.

I left home...from country to country...city to city....I moved again and again...My foot prints have been all over 40 countries, hundreds of cities and 5 continents...I met people, I wrote travel notes...I said hello and good bye to all the strangers I met on the way...

You didn't stop me when I joined in Tian-An-Men square at June 4th...

You didn't stop me when I came back during the Sars Period to help...

You never stopped me anytime that I gave anything to anyone...but you stopped me this time...

But just now, after a few days, I have finally convinced you, you told me:

"your passport is here...I'm letting you go..."

"Will you worry about me?" I asked

"I don't know.."

"So if I die, who will look after you or could you look after yourself better?"

"I don't know..."

"mom, just because of you, I don't really know what to do..."

"I don't want to be a burden to you..."

I'm sitting here, crying...I don't know what I should do???

I always wanted to be a photographer, a real photographer who shoots all the valuable moments in life...I have a sensitive heart so I always capture meaningful shots...this time, not only for this reason, I feel that I can't help enough if I stay here, do a couple of design jobs or make a couple dollars from people drinking...

I can do something more...

I understand English, I can translate to soldiers how to arrange the resources being sent from all over the world..

I know cooking so I can help to make better food

I love writing so I will write down all I see...

I sing, for darkness to accompany them

I draw portraits, to help those children remember their dead parents

...

There are many many things I can do, besides just using the camera in my hands...more than the things I have done here, like that little donation...

I have power to gather people together...I have passion to warm people with...I have energy to encourage people, I have love to share with them....

Yes, I can do a lot..much more than if I am here...

But, mom, finally, finally I've just diecided I won't go this time...

I promise you that I won't go!!

You are getting old...you just finished having an operation...I understand that you feel pain just like me and I understand you need me...there are enough familys that have lost members, so I can't do that again to you, to our family...

Mom, I promise you that I won't go this time...for you...only for you...

But my heart is over there...

I'll pray for everybody in this world to have a happy face again

I'll pray that nobody will have to suffer more

I'll pray that the sky is always blue and flowers will bloom forever

I'll pray that we all love each other and give each other support

I'll pray that hands will hold hold hands and eyes will reach eyes...

I'll pray for you, all of you...

你的琴聲

在那些昏暗的午後，在那條祗有嘈雜人聲與車聲的古舊的街道，在心與心空洞的回響中，我聽到了你：

小提琴一曲的悠揚，奏的是久遠的一段旋律，是我所熟悉的小夜曲，從此，我的那一天，被你點亮...

被你點亮，心隨音樂而飛翔，天的另一面，夜的吮吸裏，進了陌生人的夢鄉。把山攥成一小堆，把海裝進一小瓶，把海另一邊關於岸的空氣，凝成一小滴，水蒸氣上升，飛到11000哩的空中，再跌近你的世界裏...

你會驚醒，小提琴的旋律，熟悉的在枕畔翻騰，你卻不知，那裏的風會如此順解人意，把我的思戀，融在夢裏...

我就是這樣，等在這裡，望著出神，那一刻，什麽都不存在，獨奏的歌，獨步的舞，在這個孤獨的午後，倦懶的蜷在我的黑咖啡裏, 唇上的些許苦意，盪開，再盪開...

我多災多難的祖國---My suffering motherland

我感受著， 深重的罪惡感。

因我在這裡，在吃，在喝，有溫暖的床，有美酒，有親朋，而我親愛的祖國，正在飽受無邊磨難..

我恨我不能，抛低這一切，去那裏幫助親愛的鄉親，我在説服mom, to allow 我明日前行，mom 知道，自小時，我就是這樣的任性，會為理想犧牲，即使是生命。

而今，我多災多難的祖國，在那裏，掙扎，輾轉，我在繁華都市，墮落與作樂...卑利街上，沒有人，同我同痛，同我淚灑，同我揪心於幾千里外的離合悲歡...

我的祖國，我是那麽的愛著你，即使遙遠，但心，從來沒有離開過...因爲我永遠的記住與永遠驕傲：

我是中國人！！！

http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=romance&MsgID=403276

A strong feeling of Guilt, is filling my heart!!!

I am here, eating & drinking, I have a comfy bed with a glass of wine, I have friends & family, but my beloved motherland, she is suffering...

I hate myself because I can't give up everything, and go there to help them!!! I would like to convince my mom, to let me go...Mom knows me, I was such a desperate person, since I was a kid, for dreams & faith, I would like to give everything, include my Life...

Now, my motherland, is struggling; Me, I'm in such a fancy world, entertaining every night! In the bar, none feel pain like me, none cry with me, none worry about what's happening a 1000 miles away...

My motherland, I truly love you! Even I am not on that piece of land, but my heart has never left there!!

Because I always remember & I am proud that:

I am a Chinese!!!

窗外-Outside of Window

從病房望出去，是馬場。

有人在清理草地，新鮮的氣息，似乎一直可以傳進屋裏。

我坐在這裡，四周很靜，很累，身心俱疲。

5月14日的下午，媽媽正在養和做著一項小手術，我一個人，被包裹在無邊的空寂裏...

空寂，給思想予空間，然後思索...

我縂在思索著，人生的真正意義，也縂在摸詢，一種正確的人生態度，也許這種怪異的思想，緣自自幼深厚的文化熏陶及家庭悠遠的足跡。

我的外公，齊偉成先生，修讀於日本東京帝國大學，學畢後在上海創辦了《世界周報〉；我的曾祖母，趙乃映女士，創辦了浙江會興女子學院，她亦是著名的書法家，畫家，精通劍術並工于女紅。外婆，瓜爾加氏的後裔，溥儀的家族。而我的母親齊林，畢業於俄儸斯聖彼得堡大學，博書萬卷，周遊列國，我七嵗時，她爲了追求自由而離開了我的生父，從此人生坎坷，但精彩奔放。

對藝術，繪畫，文學，歷史，人文，他們都擁有極高的學識，我雖相差甚遠，但無形中耳濡目染，這種豐厚的家庭環境，竟造就出我成爲這樣一個洋不洋，中不中的另類。

我是從不滿足的，不是金錢上的追逐，而是精神的渴求

我亦是不安分的，也是不易妥協的。

大部分時間，我是快樂的，但又是孤獨的，有時被一種悲天憫人的情緒所感動自己，有時又會努力的追尋生命中哪怕是微小的一點人性的光輝。

就是這些點點滴滴的對於生命的積累與敏感，使我至今仍放棄不了對於中文的寫作，在人生每一種艱辛時日，每一個茫然的午夜，在別人憧憬一些實在時，我在那裏，思忖著古老中國文字的運用，及對蟲鳴花落的感懷。

也許，這對許多人而言，是多餘並微不足道的，但於我，那卻是使生命充滿異彩，而餘韻無窮。

就像此時，夜已在我的鍵盤的滴滴答答聲中，來臨，媽媽就睡在旁邊，又一個晚春初夏的午後，走遠了，而我，又應走向何處呢？

Look out the window of the room in Hospital, at the Jockey Club, in Happy Valley.

Sb was cleaning the grassland; the fresh smell seems to squezze into the room…

I am sitting here, very quiet …I am tired, both phyically and mentally….

On the Afternoon of May.14^th, mom is having a small operation here, I am alone at this moment, and I am wrapped in the feeling of loneliness completely…

Alone, I have more time for my brain, and start to think…

I was always thinking, about the real meaning of life…then always looked for, the correct attitude towards the world…Maybe this kind of weird thoughts, have all come from my childhood's rich cultural environment and the history of my family…

My grapa, Mr. Qi, Wei Cheng, graduated from Tokyo University, after which he established the newspaper <Global Weekly> in Shang Hai. My great-grama, Ms. Zhao, Nai Ying, established the first Hui Xing Women College in Zhe Jiang, she was also a famous painter, hand-writer, good at sword skills and embrodering…My grama, a child of the Er-er-jia Family, and relative of the last  emperor Pu Yi.

My beloved mother, Qi Lin, who gradated from St. Petersburg University. She has read more than 10 thousands books and her foot prints are all over the world…In order to follow her dreams, she divorced with my dad when I was 7. Her life has been full of difficulties but brilliant.   

In terms on Art, Painting, Culture, History and Humanity, my family all have a great reputation.  Although I am a thousand degrees away from that level, being in such a artistic environment, I've  become such a weird mix, a combination of western  and eastern influences….

I've never been satisfied…not in any benefits, I've never stopped looking for more improvement of my spirit.

Also I am not stable, and I don't find it easy to compromise….

Most of time, I am happy but  I am lonely…Sometimes I am touched by the sensitivity of the life itself, sometimes I  search for the sparkles of  beauty & kindness in people…

Because of such experiences and thoughts, I have never stopped writing Chinese …In all those struggling nights, in the loneliness, when all the others are worry about reality, I am here, to think of the best way to work with such  beautiful words in this world…to feel the excitement of  the world…

Maybe, this is just a minor thing for most people, but that is what makes my life a surprise and creates a beautiful song to me…

Just like this moment, night is falling while the sounds of my keyboard are dancing…Mom is sleeping beside me…another late spring afternoon has gone, but, where should I go?

永存的旋律-Return To Forever

我望著他的眼睛

我看到了悲傷

那不是一雙快樂的目光...感覺，在那個又是迷亂的夜晚，點點滴滴刺痛著我的心...單薄的褲管裏，我想像著那同樣是

單薄的身軀。

但僅僅是身軀，精神，無比的強大。

他強大的，可以化腐朽予神奇

他強大的，可以創造音樂的奇跡

他強大的，将激情在内心燃燒，為旋律。

記得你說，你年紀大了，你還告訴我，你沒有什麽錢。

但我想說，你有旋律，是你最美麗的東西。

就是在這個夜晚，同每一個一樣的夜晚，我常常懷著一種悲觀的情緒，去把我自己身陷於對美妙音樂的癡迷裏，所謂悲觀，因爲我無法肯定明天，明天是否仍擁有音樂，或是明天我是否在音樂中死去。我蒼涼的計劃著我的葬禮，會訂上100箱我拜訪過的Wine domaine in Provence的紅酒，空氣中彌漫著清脆的乾草味道，之後，我躺在那裏，閉上眼睛，靜靜的聽著全部我生命裏所愛的音樂。

也就是在這個夜晚，我看到了你的眼睛，及眼睛裏的悲傷，我還看到了火，我不知那是被靈性所激活的火，還是生命終不肯放棄的，但那分明是火。

不肯放棄，我從沒放棄，我知道你也沒有，儘管我們是那麽的遙遠，我在網上，找不到再多的關於你的敍述，但我分明看到了那一抹執著。也許，這是風格，是唯一可以讓我動容，又與我深深連接在一起的：

風格！

我不知道在香港，還有多少人，在這裡不去賺錢，而來靜靜的欣賞純音樂，我不知還有多少人，會控制不住的隨音樂搖擺。人們會在乎100元包一杯飲料的入場費，會在乎那多出的40元錢，付給我們無價的音樂家。

那天賴之音，來自他們！

那撫平傷口的觸摸，來自他們！

那無論是和諧還是撞擊，來自他們！

那無疆界的梵音，來自他們！

我就想，爲何你不走？去探訪亞馬遜河谷的湍流，去呼吸西西里島的日落，帶著屬於你的7個旋律，還有記憶，一瓶86年的Bordeaux的紅酒，無數佳作由你手指滑落，融在溫濕的初夏的夜氣裏...

於是此刻，我閉上眼睛，開始想著旋律，那世界上屬於你的最美麗的東西...

I looked at his eyes and I saw sadness there.

They were not a pair of happy eyes, the feeling, on that foggy night, deeply pierced my heart…

I looked at those pants, the material was very thin, I imagined that inside would be the same thin:

Body…

But that was only his body…his spirit, is so strong…

He is strong, making miracles happen

He is strong, creating music

He is strong, writing the melody, with passion from his heart…

You told me, that you are getting old…you also told me that you don’t have much money…

But I want to tell you, that you have a melody and that is the most beautiful thing you have…

Then tonight…as with all other similar nights here in Fresco, I am here with a feeling of pessimism and wanting to sink myself into such great music…why pessimistic, because I am not sure that I will be able to listen to them tomorrow, or I might die wallowing in such a lovely melody…

Feeling the melancholy deep within, I am planning my funeral, I will order 100 cases of wine from the winery I visited in Provence…the smell of fresh and dry grass flowing through the garden… I will lie there and close my eyes…it will be a very quiet night and I will enjoy all the music I’ve loved in my life, with no disturbances….

And on that same night, I saw your eyes, and the sadness in your eyes…

I also saw the fire. I am not sure if fire was for inspiration, or the fire means never give up, but there was definitely there…

Never give up!

I’ve never given up and I know that you haven’t. Even if there is a 1000 miles distance between you and me, even if I can’t find enough information about you from the web, I can feel the willful force from that!

Perhaps, I’ll call it “STYLE”, and that will be the only thing can touch me and connect me with you:

Our Styles!

My friend, I don’t really know how many people in Hong Kong will stop making money and come here purely for music. I really don’t know how many people will move their bodies with the beat of the music…

People will care about a HK$ 100 cover charge that comes with one standard drink…People care about that extra HK$40, for our priceless musicians…

But, the sound of heaven, is from them!

The soothing melody to comfort your pain, is from them!

The contrast and the compromise, is from them!

The boundless music, is from them!!!

So I was there thinking…why you don’t leave? Why don’t you visit the fast flows of the Amazon Valley? Why don’t you breath the sunset of the island of Sicily?

Why don’t you leave, carrying your 7 music notes, your memories, a bottle of 86’ Bordeaux…then many amazing works will fall from your fingers, they will melt into the humid night air of this summer…

At this moment, I am closing my eyes, and starting to think about the melody, the most beautiful things that you have in this world!