窗外-Outside of Window

從病房望出去，是馬場。

有人在清理草地，新鮮的氣息，似乎一直可以傳進屋裏。

我坐在這裡，四周很靜，很累，身心俱疲。

5月14日的下午，媽媽正在養和做著一項小手術，我一個人，被包裹在無邊的空寂裏...

空寂，給思想予空間，然後思索...

我縂在思索著，人生的真正意義，也縂在摸詢，一種正確的人生態度，也許這種怪異的思想，緣自自幼深厚的文化熏陶及家庭悠遠的足跡。

我的外公，齊偉成先生，修讀於日本東京帝國大學，學畢後在上海創辦了《世界周報〉；我的曾祖母，趙乃映女士，創辦了浙江會興女子學院，她亦是著名的書法家，畫家，精通劍術並工于女紅。外婆，瓜爾加氏的後裔，溥儀的家族。而我的母親齊林，畢業於俄儸斯聖彼得堡大學，博書萬卷，周遊列國，我七嵗時，她爲了追求自由而離開了我的生父，從此人生坎坷，但精彩奔放。

對藝術，繪畫，文學，歷史，人文，他們都擁有極高的學識，我雖相差甚遠，但無形中耳濡目染，這種豐厚的家庭環境，竟造就出我成爲這樣一個洋不洋，中不中的另類。

我是從不滿足的，不是金錢上的追逐，而是精神的渴求

我亦是不安分的，也是不易妥協的。

大部分時間，我是快樂的，但又是孤獨的，有時被一種悲天憫人的情緒所感動自己，有時又會努力的追尋生命中哪怕是微小的一點人性的光輝。

就是這些點點滴滴的對於生命的積累與敏感，使我至今仍放棄不了對於中文的寫作，在人生每一種艱辛時日，每一個茫然的午夜，在別人憧憬一些實在時，我在那裏，思忖著古老中國文字的運用，及對蟲鳴花落的感懷。

也許，這對許多人而言，是多餘並微不足道的，但於我，那卻是使生命充滿異彩，而餘韻無窮。

就像此時，夜已在我的鍵盤的滴滴答答聲中，來臨，媽媽就睡在旁邊，又一個晚春初夏的午後，走遠了，而我，又應走向何處呢？

Look out the window of the room in Hospital, at the Jockey Club, in Happy Valley.

Sb was cleaning the grassland; the fresh smell seems to squezze into the room…

I am sitting here, very quiet …I am tired, both phyically and mentally….

On the Afternoon of May.14^th, mom is having a small operation here, I am alone at this moment, and I am wrapped in the feeling of loneliness completely…

Alone, I have more time for my brain, and start to think…

I was always thinking, about the real meaning of life…then always looked for, the correct attitude towards the world…Maybe this kind of weird thoughts, have all come from my childhood's rich cultural environment and the history of my family…

My grapa, Mr. Qi, Wei Cheng, graduated from Tokyo University, after which he established the newspaper <Global Weekly> in Shang Hai. My great-grama, Ms. Zhao, Nai Ying, established the first Hui Xing Women College in Zhe Jiang, she was also a famous painter, hand-writer, good at sword skills and embrodering…My grama, a child of the Er-er-jia Family, and relative of the last  emperor Pu Yi.

My beloved mother, Qi Lin, who gradated from St. Petersburg University. She has read more than 10 thousands books and her foot prints are all over the world…In order to follow her dreams, she divorced with my dad when I was 7. Her life has been full of difficulties but brilliant.   

In terms on Art, Painting, Culture, History and Humanity, my family all have a great reputation.  Although I am a thousand degrees away from that level, being in such a artistic environment, I've  become such a weird mix, a combination of western  and eastern influences….

I've never been satisfied…not in any benefits, I've never stopped looking for more improvement of my spirit.

Also I am not stable, and I don't find it easy to compromise….

Most of time, I am happy but  I am lonely…Sometimes I am touched by the sensitivity of the life itself, sometimes I  search for the sparkles of  beauty & kindness in people…

Because of such experiences and thoughts, I have never stopped writing Chinese …In all those struggling nights, in the loneliness, when all the others are worry about reality, I am here, to think of the best way to work with such  beautiful words in this world…to feel the excitement of  the world…

Maybe, this is just a minor thing for most people, but that is what makes my life a surprise and creates a beautiful song to me…

Just like this moment, night is falling while the sounds of my keyboard are dancing…Mom is sleeping beside me…another late spring afternoon has gone, but, where should I go?

Comments

[Jennifer]

有緣可以留意得到那些所謂"多餘並微不足道的", 是多麼幸福喲. 好好珍惜吧.

昨天, 我寫了兩篇題為"消失於一瞬間"的文字... 電郵再會...